To My Nine-Year-Old Self - Helen Dunmore

• "You must forgive me..."

  • Imperative 'must' suggests an urgency or necessity in seeking forgiveness.
  • Establishes an immediate sense of regret or guilt, indicating that the speaker feels she has wronged her younger self in some way.
  • Introduces a tension between past and present, with the adult self acknowledging a rift between the two.
• "...Don't look so surprised, / perplexed, and eager to be gone,"

  • Tricolon of adjectives paints the child as bewildered and impatient, emphasising how alien the adult self now feels.
  • 'Eager to be gone' conveys the child's restless energy and reluctance to engage with the speaker, reinforcing the growing gap between past and present.
• "balancing on your hands or on the tightrope."

  • Imagery of balance suggests a sense of control and fearlessness in childhood.
  • 'Tightrope' connotes risk and adventure, reflecting a child's natural agility and daring nature, something the speaker can no longer relate to.
  • Metaphor also hints at the precarious nature of youth - children take risks without fully realising their consequences.
• "You would rather run than walk, rather climb than run / rather leap from a height from anything."

  • Anaphora of 'rather' creates a rhythmic acceleration, mirroring the child's boundless energy.
  • Progression from walking to running to leaping reflects the child's increasing appetite for movement and excitement, reinforcing a stark contrast with the adult speaker's more cautious existence.
  • 'Leap from a height' - suggests a thrill-seeking nature but could also hint at the recklessness of youth, potentially foreshadowing the inevitable fall into adulthood and its limitations.
• "I have spoiled this body we once shared."

  • 'Spoiled' - the adult speaker expresses remorse about the way their body has changed over time, implying a contrast between youthful vitality and the physical decline of adulthood. Past perfect tense suggests an ongoing consequence of past actions, reinforcing the idea of irreversible loss.
  • The speaker addresses their younger self as though they were separate people, highlighting the psychological and physical transformation over time. 'Once shared' past tense emphasises a sense of division.
• "Look at the scars, and watch the way I move, / careful of a bad back or a bruised foot."

  • Concrete details contrast with the implied energy of childhood, emphasising the impact of time on the body.
  • Scars could represent both literal injuries and emotional wounds, reinforcing the theme of experience and change.
• "Do you remember how..."

  • Rhetorical question creates a reflective, nostalgic tone, as if the speaker is attempting to reconnect with their past self.
  • This personal dialogue conveys an intimate, almost mournful longing for a lost state of being.
• "we'd jump straight out of the ground floor window"

  • Dynamic verb 'jump' conveys energy, spontaneity, and fearlessness, all traits associated with childhood.
  • The youthful act of jumping without hesitation contrasts starkly with the present cautiousness, reinforcing the theme of loss vitality.
  • Could represent a threshold between past and present, suggesting a metaphorical barrier that cannot be crossed again.
• "into the summer morning?"

  • Pathetic fallacy: 'Summer morning' evokes warmth, brightness, and freedom, reinforcing the idyllic nature of childhood.
  • Morning contrasts with the implication of later life, reinforcing the passage of time.
• "That dream we had, no doubt it's as fresh in your mind"

  • Collective pronoun 'we' establishes an intimate connection between the speaker's past and present self. It implies shared ambition and childhood aspirations, which contrast with the realities of adulthood.
  • 'No doubt' suggests certainty but also irony, as childhood memories are often unreliable or altered by time. 'Fresh' connotes vividness, but this contrasts with the reality of forgetting or abandoning those dreams.
• "as the white paper to write it on."

  • 'White paper' symbolises endless possibility and potential, evoking the innocence and creative ambition of youth.
  • Metaphor also aligns with themes of storytelling and recollection - childhood is unwritten and full of promise, yet adulthood often fails to fulfill those early dreams.
• "We made a start, but something else came up -"

  • 'Made a start' implies initiative and determination, yet the abrupt shift 'but something else came up' reflects the fleeting and easily distracted nature of childhood.
  • Juxtaposition between ambition and trivial distractions conveys how childhood is often dominated by curiosity and spontaneity rather than long-term planning.
• "a baby vole, or a bag of sherbet lemons -"

  • Small, delicate creature represents innocence and a deep engagement with nature, reinforcing the carefree joys of childhood.
  • Vivid sensory detail appeals to taste and nostalgia. 'Sherbet lemons' evoke the intense, short-lived pleasure of childhood treats, symbolising how easily children's attention shifts to small joys rather than grand plans.
• "...that summer of ambition / created an ice-lolly factory, a wasp trap / and a den by the cesspit."

  • 'Summer of ambition' is ironic; while ambition suggests grand dreams, the activities are small-scale and childish.
  • 'Wasp trap' suggests both creativity and danger, reinforcing how childhood was full of uninhibited exploration but also risks.
  • Contrast between a child's 'den' (fun, secrecy) and 'cesspit' (decay, waste) hints at joy and freedom, but also the inevitable decay of childhood and the looming reality of adulthood.
• "I'd like to say that we could be friends / but the truth is we have nothing in common"

  • Conditional phrasing, 'I'd like to say', sets up an expectation of warmth, immediately undercut by 'but the truth is', introducing a melancholic and detached tone.
  • 'Friends' suggests intimacy, yet 'nothing in common' reinforces the growing divide between the adult speaker and their childhood self. Emphasises the irreversibility of time and the fragmentation of identity.
• "beyond a few shared years..."

  • 'A few' trivialises childhood, making it seem fleeting and insubstantial.
  • 'Shared' implies that childhood belongs to both the past and the present self, yet the distance between them is insurmountable.
• "...I won't keep you then."

  • The speaker acknowledges their younger self but chooses not to impose, signalling a reluctant farewell to childhood.
  • 'I won't keep you' conveys an acceptable of separation, reflecting an adult's understanding that the past is unreachable.
  • 'Then' acts as a subtle bridge between past and present, reinforcing the theme of inevitability.
• "Time to pick rosehips for tuppence a pound,"

  • Rosehips, the fruit of a wild rose, symbolise childhood innocence and nature. They also have connotations of survival, as they were commonly picked for vitamin-rich syrup during wartime.
  • Monetary detail reflects the small, tangible value attached to childhood labour, subtly contrasting with the invaluable nature of childhood memories.
  • Suggests an idyllic, yet somewhat distant, recollection of childhood activities.
• "time to hide down scared lanes / from men in cars after girl-children,"

  • Transitions from an idyllic childhood image to one of danger and vulnerability, highlighting how innocence is tinged with underlying threats.
  • Personification of the lanes suggests an environment tainted by fear, implying that childhood was not entirely carefree.
  • Predatory image is stark and unsettling, revealing an implicit loss of safety and innocence. The lack of specificity makes this feel both universal and ominous, confronting the darker realities of growing up.
• "or to lunge out over the water"

  • Verb 'lunge' conveys sudden, forceful movement, evoking childhood fearlessness and spontaneity. This contrasts with the speaker's present, where such actions feel impossible or reckless.
  • Water often symbolises freedom, danger, or the passage of time, reinforcing the gap between past and present.
• "on a rope that swings from that tree"

  • Rope swing is emblematic of childhood adventure and joy, yet it also highlights the fleeting nature of youth.
  • 'That tree' suggests distance - perhaps the tree is gone or no longer accessible, reinforcing the theme of lost time.
• "long buried in housing -"

  • The past is 'buried', suggesting erasure by urbanisation and time. The image of housing replacing nature also mirrors the way adulthood often replaces childhood innocence.
• "but no, I shan't cloud your morning..."

  • The abrupt shift with 'but no' suggests an attempt to shield the younger self from adult burdens.
  • The speaker equates her worries with a storm, contrasting with the clear, bright 'morning' of childhood. Reflects a protective, maternal tone.
• "...God knows / I have fears enough for us both -"

  • 'God knows' adds emphasis, almost like a confession, highlighting the weight of adult anxieties.
  • The break increases the emotional impact, emphasising how adulthood is consumed by fear in contrast to a carefree childhood.
  • Lack of specifics makes the fears feel universal - aging, mortality, responsibility - all of which contrast with childhood innocence.
• "I leave you in an ecstasy of concentration"

  • Brings together two seemingly opposing ideas - 'ecstasy' (intense pleasure) and 'concentration' (deep focus).
  • Paradox captures the immersive, almost obsessive attention children give to small, sensory experiences, presenting childhood as a state of pure, undistracted engagement with the world.
  • 'Ecstasy' could hint at both innocent joy and a slightly unsettling intensity, foreshadowing the visceral imagery that follows.
• "slowly peeling a ripe scab..."

  • Verb 'peeling' is tactile and deliberate, emphasising both the physical sensation and the almost ritualistic act.
  • 'Ripe' is typically associated with fruit, growth, and readiness, but here it is unsettlingly applied to a scab, hinting at bodily transience and the inevitable healing (and loss) of childhood wounds.
  • Act of peeling a scab suggests a cycle of injury and renewal, possibly reflecting the speaker's own shifting identity and movement away from childhood.
• "to taste it on your tongue."

  • Detail adds a visceral, almost primal element, reinforcing the uninhibited curiosity of childhood.
  • While children explore their bodies without shame, to an adult perspective, this act may seem slightly grotesque, highlighting the divide between past and present selves.
  • Closing image foregrounds the physicality of childhood experience - children engage with the world through direct sensory interaction, whereas adults may become more distanced or repelled by such acts.