family studies

• Perceived relational value


  The degree to which others consider their relationships with us to be important and valuable
• Degrees of inclusion/exclusion


  • Maximal inclusion
  • Active inclusion
  • Passive inclusion
  • Ambivalence
  • Passive exclusion
  • Active exclusion
  • Maximal exclusion
• On occasion people exclude us because they regard us positively ex survivor
• Those we feel unrequited love for may be fond of us in return, but if we want to be loved instead of merely liked, mildness is painful
• Hurt feelings


  We feel hurt when our perceived relational value for others is lower than we want it to be
• Once we find out others don't want us around, it hardly matters whether they dislike us a little bit or a lot
• Being completely adored doesn't boost our self-esteem any more than being very well liked
• Relational devaluation


  Apparent decreases in others' regard for us
• Ostracism


  People are given the cold shoulder and ignored by loved ones
• 67% of Americans have given cold shoulder, 75% have been ostracized by a loved one
• Ostracism leaves targets confused as only rarely is an explanation offered when a partner does this. They usually believe it damages their relationships
• Our bodies show signs of stress to ostracism: adrenal glands dump cortisol, time moves slower
• When belonginess is threatened people being ostracized will work to regain partners' regard being compliant. They also may look for less punishing partners
• When ostracism seems illegitimate and unjust, when they get angry, they dismiss opinions of those ignoring them and become more aggressive
• Cases of ostracism and romantic rejection have caused school shootings
• Internet ostracisms is painful even when its strangers it even hurts when it's dispensed by people we despise
• Jealousy


  Three feelings that define jealousy: Hurt, anger, and fear
• Hurt follows perception that partners don't value us enough to honor commitments
• Unique element in jealousy is romantic rival who threatens to lure partner away
• 13 percent of murders in US result from one spouse killing another. Jealousy is most common motive
• Reactive jealousy


  When someone becomes aware of an actual threat to a valued relationship- could be current past, anticipated, or present. It's always in response to actual danger
• 98% of men and 80% of women had extradyadic fantasies in the past two months which is considered cheating by young people
• Half of men and two fifths of women said they had kissed or fondled extradyadic eloper
• Fifth of men and women had intercourse with that person
• Suspicious jealousy


  One's partner hasn't misbehaved, suspicions don't fit facts at hand
• In all cases suspicious jealousy is unfounded; it results from situations that wouldn't trouble secure and trusting partner
• Facebook serves as a way to get your feelings hurt
• Evolutionary perspective suggests men should experience more jealousy than woman do at the thought of sexual infidelity whereas women should react more to the threat of emotional infidelity
• 61% of men chose sexual infidelity as alarming threat but only 13% of women did
• Responses to jealousy


  • People with secure or preoccupied attachment styles: more likely to express concerns and attempt to repair relationships
  • Dismissing or fearful people: avoid the issue, deny distress, act like they don't care
• Women are more likely to preserve the relationship whereas men are more likely to protect their egos, threaten the rival, and pursue alternative partners
• Women are more likely to make their partners jealous as they want men to react the same way they would. However, they often drive men away by doing this
• Deception


  Intentional behavior that creates the impression in the recipient that the deceiver knows to be untrue. Outright lying is the most straightforward example of this
• People may conceal information, divert attention from vital facts, or mix truthful and deceptive info- half truths
• Most lies are self-serving
• Men are more likely to lie about ambition and income. Women are more likely to cry out in fake pleasure in close relationships
• 1/4th of lie is told to benefit others and protect their feelings
• 97% of lovers lied in the last week
• When people do tell serious lies about topics that could destroy their reputations, they tell them more to their closest partners than to anyone else
• Deceivers distrust


  When people lie to others, they often begin to perceive the recipient of the lies as less honest and trustworthy. This occurs because liars assume others are just like them and feel better about themselves when they believe their faults are shared by others