Codependency

• Struggle


  Necessary for growth and development
• If we went through our days without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. And, we could never fly...
• Emotional programs


  Built-in behavior and reactions no longer necessary to protect/armor self such as criticalness, the tendency to overreact compulsiveness, defensiveness, offensiveness, etc.
• How emotional programs got into place

  1. Traumas

  2. Repeated patterns

  
• Dysfunctional family


  A family where the needs of children are neglected because parents seek to satisfy their own needs
• Dysfunction rules in dysfunctional families

  • Don't talk - silence/safety
  • Don't feel - repression/numbing
  • Don't play - no right to enjoy
  • Don't trust - distrust of self/others
• Rigid roles in dysfunctional families

  • Family hero
  • Scapegoat
  • Lost child
  • Mascot
  • Invisible child
• Types of dysfunctional families

  • Violent families
  • Exploitative families
  • Deprived families
  • Authoritarian families
  • Addictive families
• Rules commonly heard in troubled families

  • Don't express your feelings
  • Don't get angry
  • Don't get upset
  • Don't cry
  • Be good, "nice," perfect
  • Avoid conflict (or avoid dealing with conflict)
  • Don't think or talk; just follow directions
  • Do well in school
  • Don't ask questions
  • Don't betray the family
  • Don't discuss the family with outsiders; keep the family secret
  • Don't contradict me
  • Always be in control
  • Always maintain the status quo
  • Everyone in the family must be an enabler
• Messages commonly heard in troubled families

  • Shame on you
  • You're not good enough
  • I wish I'd never had you
  • Hurry up and grow up
  • Be a man
  • Big boys don't cry
  • Act like a nice girl (or a lady)
  • Don't be like that
  • You're so stupid (or bad, etc.)
  • You owe it to us
  • Of course we love you!
  • How can you do this to me!
  • We won't love you if you...
  • You'll never accomplish anything
  • You're so selfish
  • You're so stupid
  • We wanted a boy/girl
• Answers/approaches used to protect the dysfunctional family

  • Denial
  • Minimization
  • Rationalization
  • Justification
  • Blaming
  • Projection
  • Intellectualization
  • Dissociation
• Codependency


  An addiction to a person and that person's problem. An addiction to a relationship and the problems the relationship brings. A dependency on people and things outside self to the point of self-neglect.
• Patterns of codependency


  • Denial pattern
  • Low self-esteem pattern
  • Compliance pattern
  • Control pattern
• Challenges and breaking the patterns of codependency

  1. Denial pattern: Verbalizing anger for wrongdoing, not making myself available or subordinate to this pattern

  2. Low self-esteem pattern: Accepting gifts and not returning them, thanking for sincere praises

  3. Compliance pattern: Doing what I say, assuring myself of my own devotion/availability

  4. Control pattern: Talking less and listening more to others
• M. Scott Peck: 'The quality of discipline afforded by loving parents is superior to the discipline of unloving parents. Loving parents will frequently agonize over decisions and suffer along with their children, which the children perceive and learn to suffer themselves, which is the beginning of self-discipline.'